The Conditioning Crisis: Unlearning What Society Taught You to Be | #64

In this podcast episode, I talk about how we are trained to be broken by society, and we underestimate the strength of these expectations. ((And reference a myth about Queen Victoria, which I’m aware is not true, it just makes me smile.))

The resource I mention to curiously question negative thoughts: https://rootedreinvention.com/untangle-unhelpful-thoughts/

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TIMESTAMPS:
00:20 – My Story of Self-Development
02:02 – Reflections on the Impact of Conditioning in the UK
03:06 – The Impact of Expectations on Our Psychology
03:50 – The Key Reasons We Feel Broken
04:38 – Our Social Neuroscience
06:08 – Our Current State of Isolation
07:00 – Being Queer, Disabled, Neurodivergent and Divorced
08:51 – Being Realistic About Our World
09:50 – Recognising the Systems Which Oppress Us
10:46 – We Are Wired To Adapt
11:05 – Have You Felt Broken? You Are Not Alone (And it’s Not True!)
12:23 – We Can Support Each Other

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Episode Transcript:

I began my journey into the self-development world when I was about 11. And I followed this trail through a Psychology degree, a Master’s in Neuroscience, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy training and decades of work with people.

But I began by dipping my toe in the waters of self-development when I was 11 because I felt broken.

There was something wrong with me, and I needed to find out how to fix it.

Looking back with hindsight and diagnoses of my neurodiversity, recognising that I am a member of the queer community, I can see a lot of society’s expectations and a lot of media messaging, as I was growing up around who I should be, what I should feel, how I should think, what clothes were appropriate, where I should spend my time and what to believe.

If you have been part of the Rooted Reinventions journey for a while, you may have noticed this shift towards a focus on people who feel broken, because this very much feels like what I am here to do.

In my experience, having grown up in England in the UK and still living here now, I can see the impact of technology, of the media, of different generations’ expectations and how those expectations have shifted across the last few decades.

I don’t claim to have any specific answers for how the world is and the state of the world as it is at the moment.

However, what I have learned through being a practitioner using cognitive behavioural therapy on patients, of being a secondary school Maths teacher, of being a family support worker and community worker, of working as a member of a youth offending service, I can see the massive impact of expectations, of ‘shoulds and musts’, of the phrases like “but your role is”, or people saying that “you need to do xyz” and how that shapes our expectations we place on ourselves, whether that is shaped in a way that follows the advice and recommendations of some or all of those expectations, or whether they go in a different direction and aim to go against the advice they are given.

And I think one of the key reasons that those of us who don’t quite fit in, in whatever way, for whatever reason, feel like we are broken, is because we are taught to feel that way.

When I try something and I cannot do it, there is an implication that it is my own fault that I did not get something right.

If someone fails something in public: it is pointed out, it is highlighted, it may be ridiculed, it may be judged. It is rarely celebrated, and even if it is celebrated, there is still a lot of attention put on it by multiple people with different opinions about it.

As human beings, we are a social species, and it is ingrained in us; it is part of the biology of our neuroscience, of our brains, that social exclusion is as dangerous as physical pain.

As our brains were developing, as we as a species developed into the Homo sapiens, the human beings that we are now, and we formed tribes, it became part of the hard wiring of our brain that if we were cast out from our tribe, if we were socially excluded, if we were left out of the loop on what other people around us knew, it would ultimately lead to our physical death.

If the hunters came back and did not share their food with us, if the gatherers did not tell us about those berries being poisonous, if we were separated and then we were not allowed back into a safe space, such as a cavern or cave system that was protected by the other members of the tribe, we would just be out in the wilderness and easily preyed upon: by predators, by the weather, by how our clothes are, you know. There is so much reliance on other people for us as a species to survive, let alone thrive.

And what I see in 2026 as I’m recording this is that we are becoming more isolated than ever.

We are believing and ascribing to and feeling part of a tribe that is not the people around us. Whether this is celebrities, whether this is faith, whether this is a certain group mindset we have, there is this sense of segregation and separation from other human beings.

And when I look back on feeling broken as a preteen, it was all about not fitting in with those around me. It was all about not feeling understood.

It was all about feeling that I had missed some massive memo and that there was something wrong with me and I needed to find a way to fix it so that I could become part of society.

But as someone who is neurodivergent, who is queer, who is disabled, who is divorced: there are already so many ways I do not fit into the recommended format of society.

There are so many things about me that, if someone does not know or understand, they may feel threatened by or feel judgment towards me for.

And it has taken decades for me to recognise, to understand, and to counter the feelings within myself that I am somehow flawed, that I am broken, that I should not be who I am, that I should not do what I do, that I should not feel how I feel, that I am wrong for having the views I have.

The definition of broken is that something does not work as it is meant to.

Back when science had not got proof of there being multiple sexes, and when psychology had not really got the research behind it on multiple genders, when all gay people were male, because of course women couldn’t do that. (Thanks Queen Victoria for that one!*)

When humans are put into a binary or set into a box or split between two or three different options, we will always feel broken if we do not adhere to these ridiculous expectations.

I wish I could say that when I listen to my body and when I follow my beliefs, I can just ignore societal expectations completely.

But that is not the reality we live in. While I no longer feel like I am broken most of the time because sometimes it still comes up; sometimes those feelings still arise.

I do have a backup plan of needing to move out of England if the Transphobia continues because of the relationship I am in and how I feel towards my fiancée.

I do live in the real world where I have bills to pay, and therefore I need to earn money doing a job that I love, which I’m really grateful for.

However, I do not live in a world where I am able to just ignore societal pressure and expectations. I still have a family to raise.

But recognising that the core aspect of this feeling of being broken is not within me, but is actually within the way that society is set up to make us feel inferior, so that we will listen to what they suggest will make us feel like we belong again, make us feel worthy. If we buy this particular thing, or if we ascribe to this particular viewpoint, or if we follow these directions that they give us, only then will we belong. Only then are we safe in our brains from that societal exclusion.

When I recognise that this whole system is engineered to make us feel less than, to make us feel unworthy, to make us feel broken, I can adapt to that circumstance without losing my core.

And one thing humans are wired to do is change, is adapt, to move through the world and shift our expectations, change our behaviours, form new habits and in reaction to our environment.

So if you have ever felt broken, unworthy, like you don’t fit in, that you are not enough, I just want to reassure you that you are not the only one who feels that way.

And just because you feel that way does not make it true.

I’ve spoken before about how our thoughts are not automatically 100% true.

Some will be; many won’t be. I will share in the show notes a resource that I made that just challenges our thoughts gently, just asking gentle questions with curiosity about if that thought is true and what evidence I have for that.

• If a friend came to me and said that they’d had that thought, would I tell them, “oh, yeah, that’s true about you”, or would I question it more?

Because our thoughts are not facts, it doesn’t mean there’s not a grain of truth in some of the things we think.

But every thought is not going to be 100% factual, especially if it’s been told to us many times over by a system that wants us to feel unhappy so that we will listen to supposed solutions and supposed paths of happiness.

If you’ve ever felt broken or not enough or unworthy, please believe me when I say that you are not broken; you are not flawed. You’ve just believed the same thing we all believed.

And I truly believe that my role is to let curiosity just question those beliefs, where they’ve come from and who they’re benefiting.

Because I don’t think any human is broken.

We all work as our neuroscience, as our brains, as our biology, as our psychology is designed to work.

And we can adapt to these circumstances. Once we know what is true and what is, perhaps, less than 100% true, we can adapt: particularly if we’re supported by each other. And I would love to have you in our community.

If you’d be interested in joining our community, I will put links in the show notes. Thanks very much for listening, and I’ll speak to you next time.

Bye.

*It is a myth that Queen Victoria had anything to do with lesbians not being included in the anti-homosexuality laws. I just think it’s a funny way to show how things have shifted.