How to Use Perspectives to Set Goals You Actually Achieve | #63

In this podcast episode, I talk about how shifting our perspective from what we want to what we DON’T WANT can give us a level of clarity that might feel counter-intuitive.

But it’s a method people have found helpful when the options for what they might want feel too overwhelming.

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Episode Transcript:

Last week I moved house, and the moving process has been stressful and has had a lot of uncertainty to it. And a lot of my habits and systems and routines have been completely thrown off track.

And one of the things that I’ve been really thinking about when I look to create a new habit or get back on track with my routines or thinking about the goals that I set myself for this year, is actually a change in perspective. It’s something I don’t see a lot of people talking a great deal about or recommending, and I think it’s because this feels counter intuitive.

So what I’m talking about today is thinking about shifting the perspective that we approach when we are setting goals or working on creating new habits.

And the idea is that we are often told to look forward. And I’m not going to say that we shouldn’t do that.

However, I feel like there are often so many possibilities in the future. It can be overwhelming. And therefore I’ve really started to think a little bit more about the opposite effect.

So rather than moving towards a vision of the future that I hope I would like, that I think I might like, that I think I want… Anytime we’re moving towards one vision or one version of ourselves, we are moving away from alternative versions of our life, of ourselves.

You know, we are generally encouraged to look forward, to plan ahead. There’s that phrase that you’ll aim for the moon, and you’ll land in the stars. But sometimes a different approach can get us to the same destination.

While I’ve been decluttering, ready for the move, I came across the idea of focusing on removing what I don’t want, rather than deciding what I do want. So one of the most common methods of decluttering is to take everything out, think about what you want, you know, decide whether you want to keep each item.

What I have noticed in recent months has been the idea of “What can I remove? What can I get rid of? Where can I trial living without this item?” Rather than focusing on the items that stay, we focus on moving the items that need to leave.

So this opposite way is not a new concept, and it’s not something that I’ve come up with. But I have noticed that in the self-help sphere, this is a lesser-known perspective to take. And the main focus of this new perspective is thinking about what you don’t want.

One of the strongest ways to think about what you don’t want is to focus on those things that bring a really strong emotion, such as fear, anger, or frustration.

If I know that I have a vision of myself that I fear that I do not want, that fills me with dread, to be honest. It is the idea that I do not have a home, the idea that I am not working, the idea that I am so disabled I cannot move, that I lose my pets, that I lose my relationships.

I can fairly quickly list off things I do not want.

And this is interesting because sometimes when we are asked what we do want, it can feel like such a broad question with so many possibilities, we don’t know where to start. It’s quite overwhelming. So today I just wanted to raise this perspective.

When you’re planning your reinvention, when you’re looking at your roots of what you, you know, who you have been over the last few years and who you want to be in the future. Sometimes it can feel like we really don’t know how to decide what it is we do want.

And this is the kind of time that I would recommend considering what you don’t want.

I know that I don’t want to feel stifled. I don’t want to feel trapped, I don’t want to feel exhausted, I don’t want to feel ugly, I don’t want to be bored.

Then I look at what the opposite of those feelings or those actions or those situations is.

So I need things that are freeing, that are energising, that make me feel cared for, that keep me engaged.

Okay, well, what things energise me? Eating well, green tea, my pets, a nice view, being outside.

What things keep me engaged? Well, I particularly like fantasy novels. I tend to be engaged when I’m watching something that pulls me into a different place or a different world and then looks at the facts of it. I really like documentaries that teach me new facts, particularly about things that interest me such as nature and animals.

So when I know what I do not want and I then flip that on its head and work out what the opposite of that is, it can give me direction where previously I felt like I didn’t know where to start.

If your fear is that you’re not going to be able to afford to live your lifestyle, then I can tell you that it’s very likely one of the things you do want to focus on in your future self, in your reinvented self or your rooted self, is to make sure that you live within your means with what you can afford, and that you are able to make money in a way that allows you to pay for what you need.

If you fear never writing the book that you’ve been dreaming of for years, then that gives you an idea of what you need to put into your routines and your kind of reinvented identities that.

Well, I write and I write regularly. I am working on this book. You make that part of your identity. You start to look at where you can set your goals or build habits around writing regularly or reading regularly or whatever it is that points you away from the thing that you fear, the thing that you don’t want, if you don’t want to regret never writing the book sounds like the thing you need to move towards is writing the book.

So let’s get some writing time in your schedule.
Let’s get some reading time in your schedule.
Let’s contact that friend who also said they wanted to write a book one day and see if you can get a little get-together even once a month.
Let’s start making those baby steps towards the things that are the opposite of what you don’t want, because at least that will take you in the right direction.

A lot of the people I work with worry about going in the wrong direction.  And what I can say is that if you go south instead of southeast, you are not too far off track compared to if you go north and you want to go southeast.

This is a way of getting you in roughly the right direction. This is a way of finding a little bit of clarity on what you want and a little bit of direction so that you can move towards being the person that you want to be.

And I am personally someone who hears a great idea, maybe writes a note in my phone and then sometimes forgets about it for months or even years.

So what is the big thing that you are concerned, worried, fearful, frustrated by that you think you’re going to get to the end of this year and not have done and you’re going to regret??

Take a moment to think of it now.

What’s the opposite of that? Whether it’s a feeling, whether it’s an action, whether it’s an achievement or an outcome, what’s the opposite of it?

Now, where can you put the first baby step somewhere in your calendar? Schedule it in now. Grab your phone, pop it in your calendar for the weekend. A 10 minute slot.

“I’m going to set a writing schedule. I need to call that person. I’m going to write that email to my mailing list. I need to figure out which day I’m going to go to the gym.”

Whatever it is that you’re feeling lost in direction about, what is the worst fear/concern/worry about that?

If you get stuck figuring out the opposite, I would pick a feeling you want and do a web search for the opposite for the antonym because that will give you a starting point.

Sometimes we can feel so overwhelmed with picking a direction; it’s okay to use a little bit of help. You can often look up the opposite of words in a thesaurus, particularly if you’re picking a feeling word.

I know I don’t want to be bored, but what do I want to be? Do I want to be excited? Do I want to be engaged? Do I want to be motivated? Any of those would point me in the right direction and get me roughly where I want to be going.

Where I can then ask, well, what motivates me? What engages me? What interests me?

There is no right or wrong answer to this.

It’s individual to everyone.

But I don’t want you to end this year and feel like you’ve lost your direction and you don’t know where you’re going and you haven’t got anywhere.

Let’s get you at least facing the right direction.

Thanks very much for listening. I hope this has been helpful and I’ll see you next episode.

Bye.